The Red Pill or How to Boost the Economy

Viagra may have been a great invention for old men, but those of us who still have hot blood in our veins could use something else. As Morpheus said, take the Red Pill.

According to a recent study by Ohio State psychology professor Terri Fisher, men think about sex about 19 times per day. That's at least one sexual thought per waking hour. (It’s nice to be above average for once.)The highest range of that study was a very competitive 388 times per day for men, but even women scored as high as 140, minxes.

Unfortunately, the study did not measure the duration of those thoughts. How much time do we spend thinking about sex? How much of our day is spent in fantasy land?

You've been there. You're in an important meeting, but some idiot decided to invite the hot young summer intern. You leave the meeting without notes or the recollection of one action item. In the modern co-ed workplace, sex constantly distracts us in meetings, lunches, and phone calls. Industry conferences are meat markets of debauchery. Business travel is unspeakable.

Which begs the question - what is the rate of national lost productivity, in dollars, due to sexual thoughts?

An exhaustive 15 minute internet search revealed that there have been no economic studies focused on lost productivity due to sexual distraction, much less sexual action. While 70% of men admit to thinking about sex every day, 12% of men have actually admitted to having sex at work. Assuming that requires two people, nearly a quarter of the workforce takes a little R&R (or I&I) during the work day! And that doesn't include hours spent surfing porn.  

This deserves more attention than locker room humor. As living creatures, we have no greater biological imperative than reproduction, yet not since MadMen has society rewarded spontaneous sexual behavior, especially in the office. This is a serious problem.

And if the messages on this link  are any indication, this isn't just a male problem.

For all those erotophiliacs out there, male and female, it's time for the Red Pill. Forget health care spending and national debt. The nation that reigns in its libido first will increase productivity and competition overnight! We need a drug to address erectile function.

It shouldn’t be hard (pun intended). Impotence is a byproduct of so many pills already on the market, particularly anti-depressants (paradoxically). Avodart or Proscar, for example, block the conversion of testosterone. To date, though, no company specifically designs a pill to lower libido.

Of course, a little Red Pill might have negative consequences. The adult entertainment industry represents $14 billion dollars in annual revenue, according to Adult Video News, and that doesn’t include escorts or strip clubs. Las Vegas prostitution alone generates another $5 billion.  Furthermore, economists agree, improvements in worker productivity destroy jobs. The loss of any of the above will not sit well with Congressmen.

To avoid these drawbacks, fine-tuning potency is crucial. The shorter the duration, the better. A drug that knocks out your libido for a month will do more harm than good, but the pill that gets you through a two hour staff meeting would be ideal. We should still have some libido left over for our spouses in the evening, or that online porn addiction – whichever comes first.

Please, Pfizer, invent the Red Pill, so the next time I encounter that intern alone in the office supply closet, my only thought will be, "I hope we're not out of sticky notes. Again."